Kum-what?

Like many who work in clerical roles I am an obsessive list maker, but unlike most I have a tendency to collate my lists and file them. You just never know if a busybody in HR will start evaluating your job description. It hasn't happened yet and my Team Leader maintains that it takes a team of people to undertake job evaluation not someone with a vendetta but you can never be too careful. Hence I keep lists dating back to 1998. You just never know. So there I was on Friday, sat out in the park going through some lists I made in 2002. It was blazing hot and I was feeling a little woozy, almost ready to pack up and go home for a quiet five when I came across a very strange list which I sense has been planted. It read Friday 13th May 2002, must buy...feather pillow, Kumquat, ice pick, book about wire mother, thermal socks, become open, happy and attentive - relax!, Nickelback album on CD if poss. What I thought most strange wasn't the presence of the band best known for a sofa shop advert, it was the Kumquat. A well known local supermarket have only just opened their exotic fruit section, so where was the writer of the list hoping to buy such a rare citrus fruit a good ten years ago? Answers on a postcard please!

Discount Friday

I love a bargain. Last week I saw a box of sugar free muesli a full fifty pence cheaper than it's sugar laden equivalent. I snapped up three boxes quicker than you could say Tate and Lyle, got them home and promptly added my own sugar. Cheaper and sweeter. I was pleased to see a colleague had followed suit by purchasing a box of discounted chocolates for my Team Leader. I don't think she meant to leave the price on but nobody cared, least of all my boss who promptly scoffed the top layer and took the rest home 'for her family'. It's not like she needs the extra calories, she came back from maternity leave last month twice the size she was before she left and that's after having twins!

Back to work

Getting stuck back into work after a week away is never easy, especially when one leaves their desk meticulously tidy and returns to discover desktop chaos. I could hardly see my keyboard for files, post its and random red pens - which had run out. To deter any future annoyances I sent a round robin email to outline how I would prefer people to leave my desk when I am absent, it was entitled 'Do not make a mess, when conducting your business on my desk'. It seemed to elicit a few sniggers from the women in accounts but at least I know they read it. Any further untidy hot-desking should hopefully be deterred!

Back home

Got back to Preston late last Monday. The timing was perfect, a cloud burst overhead as we took a slow trudge up the hill and away from the train station. Never has northern weather felt so good, although refreshing those squally coastal winds on the Isle of Wight play havoc with what little hair I have left. At least you know were you are with days of rain and grey skies. Down there it's bright and sunny one minute, brisk and wet the next. I can't cope with such sudden changes in weather and my Bag For Life can only accommodate one set of spare clothes. It's tricky to dress for every meteorological eventuality, no wonder my brother spends his days in the same shorts, t-shirt, welly boots and sou'wester combo. My daughter, upbeat as ever, insisted we walk to the bus stop rather than pay extra for a taxi. I think she too was glad to be back, even when she was splashed by an erratic driver going through a huge puddle on the ring road. To celebrate we decided to have a chippy tea with extra gravy and a buttered barmcake, there's no place like home.

Slime

Have you ever finished a cup of tea and found something unsavoury lurking at the bottom of your cup? I'm not talking about the tea bag, although that has happened to me many times when I've brewed up at work and then been interrupted by an urgent photocopy task. No something a tad more sinister than that. Something like a bug or spider. It knocks you sick doesn't it? Like finding a rogue hair in a cheese spread sandwich or a random fingernail in the grated cheese atop your sarnie shop baked potato. Well last week at my brother's I had a similar quease inducing experience when he revealed the mugs we were drinking from had accidently been cleaned by the scourer usually used to clean the green slime from the inside of his fish's tank. He seemed rather amused by this revelation, telling me not to worry and that I was made of strong stuff. Thank goodness we were leaving the following day.

Morning

After a fitful night's sleep I stumbled down to breakfast with my spritely daughter. Feeling rather groggy I opted for a full English with extra bacon and sausages, with a large mug of milky coffee. My daughter had a small slice of wholemeal toast and some fruit with a glass of juice. I suggested she pocket a few rolls to make sandwiches for later, offering my two spare sausages and a rasher of bacon as a possible filling. She looked disgruntled, so I proposed she make some butties with marmalade instead. You can't go wrong with a sweet filling for lunch once in a while. At which point she glared at me and said I should stop acting like a pauper. After breakfast I felt more woozy than before and went to lie back down in the bedroom. Thankfully the gales outside had died down and I fell into a deep sleep, only to be woken by the maid frantically banging at the door with the edge of the hoover. As she edged away to wake the next poor soul with her over-zealous cleaning my daughter sprang in announcing that we were going out for a walk round the bay with my brother and his dog. I feigned illness but she would not relent. So I donned a thick waterproof and within the hour was trudging around in the drizzle and gloom, taking in the stench of fresh dog pooh whilst being regaled with tales of misdemeanor by my brother. What can I say? What a super start to the holiday.

Bad night

Thankfully my daughter had booked accommodation on the Isle of Wight. It was a tiny bed and breakfast which teetered on a cliff edge, she had paid extra for a twin room with sea view. Money badly spent in my eyes as we were practically hanging over the waves crashing against the rocks below us.
"They should be paying us to stay in here," I said. She told me to stop being daft and settle in. At least we didn't have to stay at my brother's stinking house with his dirty cups. The man had clearly had a hygiene bypass since I last saw him. True he has always been on the odd side but never dirty. My daughter brought me tea from a typhoid free kettle and we made plans for the evening.
It was a wild night and we were tired, so we just stepped, or should that be swept, next door for a pub meal before we turned in for the night.
That night I slept fitfully, I dreamed of absently placing my bulging suitcase by the window causing the whole building to tip over and come tumbling down the cliff edge, like a horrific cartoon without a stretchy armed hero to save us. I woke in a sweat to the sound of a storm pounding the windows. I could hear creaking and rattling all about me. It was too much I pulled the covers over my head and prayed for morning.