TFI Friday

Well Monday was officially the most depressing day of the year I hear and recession is looming. Thank Fred It's Friday! It was a good day on the trains, we arrived into Preston a good three minutes and forty five seconds before the scheduled time.

The team were sullen as ever and as usual I beared the brunt. As a secret payback I jammed the photocopier with a large batch of double sided copies, swapped some red pen lids with black pen lids and sent five ’round robin’ emails marked urgent (although I would say priority was moderate).

Four messages awaited me upon my return home. One was a message from a lovely sounding lady called Marion. She said little on the message but left her number. I have checked through the phone directory and worked out she can’t be too far from here by the first three digits of her number.

The other three messages were for the Chinese takeaway. I feel I would earn a better wage serving Dim Sum than the needs of charity.

Train-ing Day

Dedicated this evening’s broadcast on my hospital radio show to the state of our railway system. Played Gladys Knight’s ’Midnight Train to Georgia’, Glenn Miller’s jazz classic ’Chattanooga Choo-Choo’ and the Thomas the Tank Engine theme tune. I also played S Club Seven’s ’Don’t Stop Movin’ as this morning’s journey was particularly slow and painful, we eventually crawled into Preston three minutes and fourty five seconds late.

Throughout the evening I rallied the troups and put out calls (between records) for support in my campaign...until station manager Raymond pulled the plug on the show. He said I was getting too political, it was a light hearted slot and I should really be taking requests - especially from the Renal Ward (where a large percentage of complaints have come from). I asked him if they were ’taking the urine’ or having urine taken. Ray didn’t see the funny side and asked me to leave ten minutes early.

I put it down to Ray wanting to try out a rookie DJ - Pierre, a French student with a penchant for friendliness and smiling. I was about to make a light hearted quip at his expense but was shot a scolding look by Ray before I could even utter a word.

Glad to get home early anyway as I'd been anticipating a good response to the ad I placed in the newsagents. I returned to find three messages on the answermachine. Two people hung up and someone looking for a Chinese take away. It’s a start.

The Green Man

My train campaign is gathering steam (excuse the pun, however I rather think we'd be faster travelling by steam).

Took just over five minutes to reach Lytham from St Annes today, however arrived into Preston six minutes early. Strangely enough not many of my fellow commuters wished to join me in taking a stand against Lanky railways. Despite collecting five signatures to support my campaign yesterday nobody wished to stand with me by the entrance of Preston station. One of the Lanky staff asked me to remove my painted A board (made it last night from plywood, it read ''Coast-line, Leave On Time' in red letters).

Then over lunch I jested with Marcus, senior solicitor, about his Christmas party attire. (Heard from the team he turned up to the office fancy dress party dressed as a Green Man - like the ones you see on pedestrian crossings). I made reference to the Green Goddess from TV AM fame to which he cattily remarked that I could do with dropping a stone or two. A low remark for a man of his intelligence. As an act of retribution I failed to inform him that a particularly angry client was in reception to see him for his later appointment. The angry fellow practically floored Marcus when he eventually came down to reception to see another (also irate) client. I made myself scarce in the copier room whilst the fur flew.

Tony McNamara

Went for a half of Cocksmith’s Bottom with Tony McNamara after work today.
Tony was keen to discuss the Obama inauguration. A truly memorable event. He says it will go down in history as a 'where were you when?' occasion, this got me a tad worried as I spent Obama's speech attempting to clip an infected toe nail which has been causing me no end of grief. I glossed over this somewhat painful fact and told Tony that I was sipping a sweet tea during the speech, not that he's concerned with my trivia these days.
Tony was very supportive of me in my old counsellor days. Since I stepped down from my political responsibility we have been seeing a lot less of each other. More so since he has recently moved in with Mrs Nesbitt, who lives across the road from my ex-wife. Since he has begun co-habiting I have found his company rather stifling as he often brings Mrs N along to our meet ups and I honestly feel any word I utter will be fed straight back to the poisonous woman I lived with for over twenty three years.

My ad

Following on from today’s team meeting I thought I would gain some feedback on the ad I posted at the newsagents yesterday.

I found the miserable old beggar who runs the shop somewhat bemused when I asked to place the ad for a month. In a discouraging tone he said he would ’have no choice to but to remove the ad if he later found out it contained something offensive’. Have no idea what he is talking about, perhaps he thinks I have written in code. However he was only to happy to relieve me of £1.60 to place the ad and double charged me for a packet of Chewits.

That aside I read the ad out to the team, here's how it goes

’I wish for a full moon after every sunset, it comforts me when I am alone and wishing that you my sweet were by my side. Come dine on the stars tonight for we shall feast for England. Uranus is beholden to me. Call Dr Moonlove T: XXXXXXXXX’

The team felt it was a bit cryptic. I am happy with it. I sense an air of jealousy around the office.

ASBO

One of Lanky Train’s staff alluded to me being slapped with an Anti Social Beahaviour Order should I continue complaining and protesting about their apparent lack of regard for us, their passengers. Today there was not three but seven empty fizzy drink cans in our carriage alone. Yes the train has been on time the past few mornings but the journey has been somewhat marred by general unkemptness of the carriages. Raised the issue with the Staff Cleaner who told me to ’Be Off'.

Not only did I have this to contend with but at work the team have been disregarding all of my emails. Raised the issue of the missing green post bag again today without a single reply. They’ll be sorry when something has to go second class and without the missing green post bag I have no other choice but to frank it first class.

Decided to place an ad in the newsagents window looking for Miss Right. Not sure of the wording yet but its only 40p for the week to place a postcard in the window and its on the main throroughfare from St Annes train station to the high street. So I should expect quite a response.

The Moon, tide and biscuit tin

Still sixteen bourbons left in the tin at work and not one thank-you. To my calculation only one Bourbon has been eaten by a team member as you get twenty in a packet and I have eaten three.

Think the team must be synchronised menstrually, they have all been particularly grumpy and tetchy of late. Yesterday Caron (on maternity leave), came in with her seven month old baby. The team were coo-ing and going goo-ey over the sleeping child and then they all went ballistic when I began parcel taping broken lever arch files and crushing old copier boxes for the recycling. Caron started gesticulating like a banshee implying I'd wake the baby up.

They’d be the first to complain if they were falling over old copier boxes in copier room and commonways. I think even in their heavy duty, thick sole boots they’d have trouble navigating the amount of cardboard I recycle on a weekly basis. It would be like ’Its a Knockout’ but without the fat suits (and Stuart Hall).

To lighten my day I played Billy Ocean’s ’Caribbean Queen’ and ’Get out of My Dreams...and into my Car’ back to back at Portland Hospital FM this eve. Smoothly seagued into Rockwell ’Someone Watching Me’ and ending with Patrick Swayze’s ’She’s Like The Wind’.

Seventeen minutes to nine

Utter madness! Seems ridiculous now but it took a good seven minutes for the train to leave St Annes and eventually crawl into Lytham (should have taken minutes!) When we finally reached Preston everyone was a little tetchy and those commuting to Lancaster and London were non-to-plussed at missing their connections. I flagged up to my fellow commuters that I had been keeping a tally in the weeks running up to Xmas. Will aim to get everyone's name on tomorrow's journey and hopefully pen a letter to Lanky Trains on their somewhat tardy service.

Left my sandwich box on train. Returned to Preston train station at lunch to discover it at Lost property (with my tuna sandwiches intact!). Left a first class stamp and handwritten note to thank the kind soul who retrieved the box.

Despite late arrival of train arrived into work with seventeen minutes to spare. Not noticed by team who were busy discussing Christmas drunkeness and the office do. Made sure I left on time, despite there being a reception full of people and no-one to take over from me.

Seven pounds and sixty two pence

Have been calculating my weekly spend and have £7.62 to last me the rest of the week. Thankfully tuna was on a three for two in Lidl and I have already got two cartons of Orangesaft Tropical Juice Drinkleft from last week's shop. Just four days to go til I can allocate my weekly budget of £19.75 to leisure pursuits and treats. If I have any left over from this week's treat money might buy some Bourbons for the team.