Update

Little to report back on this week. Tony's sister is incommunicado, held captive by Duncan Blackhorn no doubt. So in a slow news week I present you with an update on the others in my orbit.

Ray - still drunk. Evicted from the bed and breakfast I paid for after just one night's stay. He slipped in the shower and brought the whole cubicle down with him. I was sorry to hear it but glad to hear he has started to maintain his personal hygiene. Will be in our office next week no doubt seeking hostel accommodation.

Mrs N - still sinister. The twisted sister of stitch is still seeing Tony and feeding my Ex a garden of lies. I hope she pricks her finger on one of her tall thorny tales.

My Ex - still bitter. Has taken to spreading scurrilous rumours concerning the finer details of our marriage. What she fails to add is her callous behaviour. She didn't speak to me for a week when I forgot to put the milk back in the fridge, just as I got comfy in bed she would turf me out onto the floor and she publicly shamed me three times in the supermarket with her loud wittering about my failure to convert pounds and ounces into their metric equivalent. All that and she would occasionally plant chilli seeds in my tuna sarnies for work. Cruel is not the word!

Louise (my daughter) - still lovely. Has taken a year out of her studies to work at a garden centre tea room. Her mother has been telling everyone it is because I am not paying enough maintenance and Louise cannot afford to study. Louise maintains she needs a break from college. She brought me some homemade tarts last week, delicious.

Pierre - still faking a French accent, I think. I am sure that he originally hails from Camber Sands but I cannot be sure. Where ever he is from he is heading back there next week. Despite for my initial dislike for the man I have grown to like him.

The team - still miserable. I presented them with a packet of Garibaldis last week to cheer them up, went down like a packet of pork scratchings at a vegan restaurant. Maybe I'll bring pork scratchings in next time. Or a cows tongue pie.

Dad - still travelling the UK. He's currently in Ansty Cowfold and heading back north next week. He's atill asking for his fedora hat, daren't tell him it's been raffled off.