Top 10 places for love

Hauled myself off the couch and came across this list online...the Top 10 Places To Meet Women. Hmmf, that maybe so but what they don't detail is the encounters you may have, not always pleasant. Here's my experiences so far.

1. The School Reunion - Before it became fashionable to re-aquaint oneself with bullies and creeps from the classroom I ventured along to a reunion, half hoping Miss Shellsby, the short yet attractive PE teacher would be there and she would still be single. It being thirty years since I left school it was highly unlikely however I trundled along in my best clobber hoping to wow fellow graduates with my tales from the frontline of hospital radio and the like. The do was held in the function room of a cocktail lounge in town. Arriving early I perched upon a lofty chrome bar stool with a fancy drink oozing strawberries and alcohol fumes and waited. Three overpriced drinks later I saw tumbleweed blowing across the dancefloor, called it a night when I fell off my stool one drink later.

2. Work - Two words, the team. The closest I have got to an office romance is buying edible underwear for the temp upstairs and that was a Secret Santa gift, so it doesn't count. Okay?!

3. Fitness Club - I realise that my stretch top trousers are straining and I should start buying outsize garments at Atlas Man however it is no reason for me to join a gym, even if love resides behind a weights bench.

4. Wine Tasting Night - My Ex once hosted an 'Evening of Sparkling Perries and Wines from Across the Globe'. It was the start of the 80's, we'd just moved into a semi detached in a relatively affluent area, she wanted to show off her new patio, I ended up vomiting in the flower beds all night. She had a drunken fumble with an accountant from across the road, I caught them at it in the downstairs loo. He moved away soon after, we stayed together for the kids.

5. Park - not sure about this one. I think they mean one may encounter love with a fellow dog walker when out walking. I've never owned a pet but overly familiar chap did try to entice me into the men's toilets with the offer of a 'two for one'. I love a bargain at the best of times but his giddy demeanour made me uneasy. I politely declined and the toilets were closed the week later. Strange one that.

6. Supermarket/DIY store - See I've heard of singles nights in supermarkets but I think they must only happen in places where one can cruise the aisles for an hour or two, wondering which bottle of organic wine would accompany the gourmet celariac mash. Not in a place where you hump around a cardboard box full of groceries, grabbing at the bargain fishcakes and milk before sweating it out at the till as the cashier runs everything through at lightening speed before demanding payment and that you move on PROMPTLY!

7. Book or record shop - Last time I met someone in a book shop was in the self help section. I reached forward for a copy of 'Unleash your Inner Super-Hero', she smiled and recommended it. We got chatting, she bought me coffee, I bought her a bagel. We arranged to meet the following week, same time, same place. I gave her twenty pounds for her train home (she lived in the next city). She didn't show the next week. My daughter told me I'd 'been had'. At the time I thought she was jealous as I'd just split from her mum, looking back she was probably right. These days I go to the library.

8. Dance or yoga class - Don't even go there. I once went to a salsa class, all was going swimmingly until I broke a woman's toe and she accused me of dancing like an uncontrollable tennis ball. Never been back.

9. Party - Chances of me being invited to a proper party these days are similar to me being marooned on a desert island with Sian Williams and a bumper pack of Cream Eggs for company. Highly unlikely but a nice thought anyway. Especially if Bill Turnbull isn't there, or Andrew Castle for that matter. Oops he's the other side isn't he?

10. Through friends - My ex-best friend is now sleeping with my ex-wife. My other best friend smashed up my home, now he is sober he is so fit and toned I can't bear to be seen with him. And my father is marrying a woman half his age.

So there you go, no mention of meeting the love of your life whilst laid up on the sofa with a bad back. So unless I can regain better mobility I am doomed to a life of bachelorhood on the sofa with just the TV remote and the BBC newsreaders for company.