Cobra

Back to work and been relegated to back office tasks such as filing, cupboard clearing and leaflet ordering. I've even been taken off telephone duties as my team leader wants to 'ease me back in'. I feel like a dog with one of those lampshade thingies on my head, everyone wants to pet me but they daren't come too close in case I snap. Either that or they are too busy to stop and chat. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself until I realised I could hole myself up in the downstairs filing room with the crackly stereo from the kitchen and a mug of milky tea. After an hours worth of filing I took a well deserved break and began some yoga moves amid the boxes of filing. Just as I was sliding into cobra from plank the door went. It was my team leader having a nose. When she saw me led on the floor she panicked and asked if I was okay. I could hardly come up into cobra so I carried on lying face down on the floor, claiming five minutes lying prostrate was beneficial to my condition. It must have seemed odd me addressing her calloused feet as she crouched down to my level and addressed me in soothing tones. Strange but frankly very reassuring.

Hot Air

Got chatting to windy posh boy Piers before this morning's Bend & Snap, I mean Stretch & Yoga Class. As it turns out he is a published author with three books under his belt. In fact they could be described as three books concerning the rumblings under his belt. His first publication was a non fictional account of his terrible digestive system entitled 'My Life With An Irritable Bowel' and the second was a similar tell-all account of his gut disorder called 'Live Again! Unleash The Grip of a Spastic Colon', sadly it was only available in the States where, he tells me, he promoted the book on talk shows similar to This Morning. Somehow I can imagine him waffling away on the couch with Holly and Phil, he was talking non-stop for a good fifteen minutes before he passed wind and everyone waiting for the class had to move to a less noxious spot. I suppose on live TV they'd just cut to the next item if he let rip on air. I couldn't make out what his most recent publication was about as everyone was scrabbling to find a place on the floor for downward dog but no doubt he'll fill me in next time. He loves to talk does Piers, in fact some might say 'he's full of hot air'! Not me of course...

Heathen

Returned to the doctor on Monday to collect my 'Fit Note'. He outlined that I am fit to do all administrative tasks except for heavy lifting or strenuous manual work. So with that I've taken this week as leave and will be back to the grindstone on Monday. My team leader suggested I drop by the office today to have an 'informal discussion' about working practices. Wanting to maintain an air of calm I bobbed along to my over fifties stretch and yoga class beforehand. Arriving early I was greeted by the only other chap in the group, an odd sort called Piers who purports to be posh but is simply a heathen. Last week he broke wind during an exercise involving a belt and a leg stretching exercise and started to laugh inappropriately. A lovely lady by the name of Magda was trying to engage me in a conversation about gluten free cooking, when he chipped in with a very strange aside. He started going on about a chap he knew who was on a gluten free diet after being diagnosed with a bowel disorder. Some months later he was rushed into hospital to have a cyst removed. The operation was pretty straight forward but had a rather unsavory outcome, the cyst was large and globular and actually had hair, nails and teeth. Piers said that his friend knew Piers would not believe him so presented it to him in a sealed plastic cup. As he recalled the story he began scrabbling around in his ancient sports holdall, saying that he always kept it on him as proof. Upon hearing this Magda's jaw dropped, I felt myself wretch and Piers began guffawing uncontrollably until Miss Zen our yoga teacher arrived to halt the bizarre proceedings. Thankfully Piers gruesome treasure was not revealed but it was then I had a mini epiphany. I wondered if I had been such hard work for Louise since I'd been languishing at home, with my own brand of insane cabin-fever humour. After half an hour of downward dogging I decided that yes I had been a handful at home and resolved to make amends with Louise and with my team leader during our afternoon chat.