Monday, 29 March 2010
Chocolate Nest
It's nearly been a month since I ventured out of the flat. For the most part its been due to crippling back pain, although I admit a little agrophobia has kicked in. The last time I feared leaving my front door was straight after the end of my marriage when I found myself in a poky bedsit at the wrong end of town. Not even an infestation of nocturnal slugs in the shared kitchen could prize me away from the four walls of my dreadful abode. It took my daughter, two friends and four large mugs of tea to persuade me to go forth and conquer the corner shop. Over time my life has been on the up, broadcasting on hospital radio and meeting a variety of interesting women, that was until I got this horrendous back injury at work. Thankfully the pain has eased but I still couldn't pluck up the courage to get out. Until today. I didn't make the exercise class but I did make it to the cake shop and back. I bought two Chorley Cakes, a wholemeal loaf and a chocolate cornflake nest decorated with tiny confectionary eggs. As I toddled home feeling rather chuffed with making social contact two school children gave me the middle finger salute from the back of the bus. I looked behind checking the insult was aimed at me when I promptly slipped in dog muck. Though I managed to stay upright the young ruffians were laughing their scruffy heads off. Any other day it would have been a disaster but today it felt great to be back!
How to leave the flat
My daughter is taking this good Samaritan lark a little too far. If she were not so wonderful I would be nudging her towards the property pages of the local paper. Just woken to discover a step-by-step list on 'How to Leave the Flat', she has laid a pair of loose fitting cotton pants out on the sofa with a matching t-shirt and sports jacket and prepared me a tupperware container stuffed with salad, tofu and beansprouts. The reason? Today is my first exercise and yoga class. Just tried the soft jersey ensemble on. I look like a modern day Oliver Hardy in cheap sports casuals. Not a good look.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Cabin Fever
Another Monday, another day sick leave. I fear I may have 'Cabin Fever' to add to my list of ailments. I looked it up on Wikipedia today and it describes my symptoms precisely. I am irritable, restless and forgetful. I also keep laughing at inopportune moments. Take yesterday for instance, I was doubled over in tears of laughter when Louise slipped on the bathroom floor stubbing her toe and spilling a bottle of bright pink nail varnish. However I became quickly irritated when her foul smelling nail varnish remover failed to clean the shocking pink stain from the bathroom lino. Louise thinks I need to 'get out more'. I'm sleeping most of the day and have gained weight. So much so my stretch top jeans are straining at my expanding girth. Louise says it's not helping my back and I need to get mobile. I tried to explain that not only did I have a bad back but also 'Cabin Fever' when I forgot what I was talking about and had to go back to daytime TV and a round of white bread cheese toasties. Louise has booked me on a gentle exercise and yoga class for the over 50's. She says she'll come with me. I hope I can get out of the house.
Monday, 8 March 2010
Spider
Dad has obviously spent most of the night emailing. Despite his advancing years he often appears less mature than my nineteen year old daughter. Last night’s batch of emails were all entertaining enough except one, he wrote to tell me to check inside the kettle before brewing up. Yesterday he found the remains of a rather large spider that had come to an untimely death in the boiling bowels of his stainless steel filter kettle. He only discovered it when he got to the bottom of his tea cup and saw a rogue leg floating around. During spring spiders can come out of hibernation a tad too early, when the cold night sets in they look for somewhere warm to cosy up and as they are practically blind they often mistake kettles for heating central heating systems and fall in. I forwarded the email to all friends and the team. Although I am off sick I feel everyone should be forewarned.
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Top 10 places for love
Hauled myself off the couch and came across this list online...the Top 10 Places To Meet Women. Hmmf, that maybe so but what they don't detail is the encounters you may have, not always pleasant. Here's my experiences so far.
1. The School Reunion - Before it became fashionable to re-aquaint oneself with bullies and creeps from the classroom I ventured along to a reunion, half hoping Miss Shellsby, the short yet attractive PE teacher would be there and she would still be single. It being thirty years since I left school it was highly unlikely however I trundled along in my best clobber hoping to wow fellow graduates with my tales from the frontline of hospital radio and the like. The do was held in the function room of a cocktail lounge in town. Arriving early I perched upon a lofty chrome bar stool with a fancy drink oozing strawberries and alcohol fumes and waited. Three overpriced drinks later I saw tumbleweed blowing across the dancefloor, called it a night when I fell off my stool one drink later.
2. Work - Two words, the team. The closest I have got to an office romance is buying edible underwear for the temp upstairs and that was a Secret Santa gift, so it doesn't count. Okay?!
3. Fitness Club - I realise that my stretch top trousers are straining and I should start buying outsize garments at Atlas Man however it is no reason for me to join a gym, even if love resides behind a weights bench.
4. Wine Tasting Night - My Ex once hosted an 'Evening of Sparkling Perries and Wines from Across the Globe'. It was the start of the 80's, we'd just moved into a semi detached in a relatively affluent area, she wanted to show off her new patio, I ended up vomiting in the flower beds all night. She had a drunken fumble with an accountant from across the road, I caught them at it in the downstairs loo. He moved away soon after, we stayed together for the kids.
5. Park - not sure about this one. I think they mean one may encounter love with a fellow dog walker when out walking. I've never owned a pet but overly familiar chap did try to entice me into the men's toilets with the offer of a 'two for one'. I love a bargain at the best of times but his giddy demeanour made me uneasy. I politely declined and the toilets were closed the week later. Strange one that.
6. Supermarket/DIY store - See I've heard of singles nights in supermarkets but I think they must only happen in places where one can cruise the aisles for an hour or two, wondering which bottle of organic wine would accompany the gourmet celariac mash. Not in a place where you hump around a cardboard box full of groceries, grabbing at the bargain fishcakes and milk before sweating it out at the till as the cashier runs everything through at lightening speed before demanding payment and that you move on PROMPTLY!
7. Book or record shop - Last time I met someone in a book shop was in the self help section. I reached forward for a copy of 'Unleash your Inner Super-Hero', she smiled and recommended it. We got chatting, she bought me coffee, I bought her a bagel. We arranged to meet the following week, same time, same place. I gave her twenty pounds for her train home (she lived in the next city). She didn't show the next week. My daughter told me I'd 'been had'. At the time I thought she was jealous as I'd just split from her mum, looking back she was probably right. These days I go to the library.
8. Dance or yoga class - Don't even go there. I once went to a salsa class, all was going swimmingly until I broke a woman's toe and she accused me of dancing like an uncontrollable tennis ball. Never been back.
9. Party - Chances of me being invited to a proper party these days are similar to me being marooned on a desert island with Sian Williams and a bumper pack of Cream Eggs for company. Highly unlikely but a nice thought anyway. Especially if Bill Turnbull isn't there, or Andrew Castle for that matter. Oops he's the other side isn't he?
10. Through friends - My ex-best friend is now sleeping with my ex-wife. My other best friend smashed up my home, now he is sober he is so fit and toned I can't bear to be seen with him. And my father is marrying a woman half his age.
So there you go, no mention of meeting the love of your life whilst laid up on the sofa with a bad back. So unless I can regain better mobility I am doomed to a life of bachelorhood on the sofa with just the TV remote and the BBC newsreaders for company.
1. The School Reunion - Before it became fashionable to re-aquaint oneself with bullies and creeps from the classroom I ventured along to a reunion, half hoping Miss Shellsby, the short yet attractive PE teacher would be there and she would still be single. It being thirty years since I left school it was highly unlikely however I trundled along in my best clobber hoping to wow fellow graduates with my tales from the frontline of hospital radio and the like. The do was held in the function room of a cocktail lounge in town. Arriving early I perched upon a lofty chrome bar stool with a fancy drink oozing strawberries and alcohol fumes and waited. Three overpriced drinks later I saw tumbleweed blowing across the dancefloor, called it a night when I fell off my stool one drink later.
2. Work - Two words, the team. The closest I have got to an office romance is buying edible underwear for the temp upstairs and that was a Secret Santa gift, so it doesn't count. Okay?!
3. Fitness Club - I realise that my stretch top trousers are straining and I should start buying outsize garments at Atlas Man however it is no reason for me to join a gym, even if love resides behind a weights bench.
4. Wine Tasting Night - My Ex once hosted an 'Evening of Sparkling Perries and Wines from Across the Globe'. It was the start of the 80's, we'd just moved into a semi detached in a relatively affluent area, she wanted to show off her new patio, I ended up vomiting in the flower beds all night. She had a drunken fumble with an accountant from across the road, I caught them at it in the downstairs loo. He moved away soon after, we stayed together for the kids.
5. Park - not sure about this one. I think they mean one may encounter love with a fellow dog walker when out walking. I've never owned a pet but overly familiar chap did try to entice me into the men's toilets with the offer of a 'two for one'. I love a bargain at the best of times but his giddy demeanour made me uneasy. I politely declined and the toilets were closed the week later. Strange one that.
6. Supermarket/DIY store - See I've heard of singles nights in supermarkets but I think they must only happen in places where one can cruise the aisles for an hour or two, wondering which bottle of organic wine would accompany the gourmet celariac mash. Not in a place where you hump around a cardboard box full of groceries, grabbing at the bargain fishcakes and milk before sweating it out at the till as the cashier runs everything through at lightening speed before demanding payment and that you move on PROMPTLY!
7. Book or record shop - Last time I met someone in a book shop was in the self help section. I reached forward for a copy of 'Unleash your Inner Super-Hero', she smiled and recommended it. We got chatting, she bought me coffee, I bought her a bagel. We arranged to meet the following week, same time, same place. I gave her twenty pounds for her train home (she lived in the next city). She didn't show the next week. My daughter told me I'd 'been had'. At the time I thought she was jealous as I'd just split from her mum, looking back she was probably right. These days I go to the library.
8. Dance or yoga class - Don't even go there. I once went to a salsa class, all was going swimmingly until I broke a woman's toe and she accused me of dancing like an uncontrollable tennis ball. Never been back.
9. Party - Chances of me being invited to a proper party these days are similar to me being marooned on a desert island with Sian Williams and a bumper pack of Cream Eggs for company. Highly unlikely but a nice thought anyway. Especially if Bill Turnbull isn't there, or Andrew Castle for that matter. Oops he's the other side isn't he?
10. Through friends - My ex-best friend is now sleeping with my ex-wife. My other best friend smashed up my home, now he is sober he is so fit and toned I can't bear to be seen with him. And my father is marrying a woman half his age.
So there you go, no mention of meeting the love of your life whilst laid up on the sofa with a bad back. So unless I can regain better mobility I am doomed to a life of bachelorhood on the sofa with just the TV remote and the BBC newsreaders for company.
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