Butterflies

How is it when love comes calling your wardrobe resembles the aftermath of a jumble sale? Spent an hour debating what to wear for last night's broadcast, just in case the lovely lady from Urology stopped by with a request. In the end I plumped for a light cotton/polyester mix shirt in jazzy colours, my new sandals, lightweight cotton slacks and matching socks. When I arrived at Portland Hospital Radio I came over all a quiver, thinking about a possible encounter with my fantasy woman. I was trembling so much I couldn't operate the cross fader, my voice was shaky and I had butterflies in my stomach. I had to play an eight minute Dire Straits guitat solo and have a hot sweet tea before I could go back on air. I put out a call for requests and a few came in from the ante natal ward to mark the birth of a few babies and that was it. Nothing else. Post show I hung around the station for a while before I had to leave to get the last bus home. With all that preparation I felt like I had been stood up.

Stars

Just read my stars for tomorrow as predicted by the cuddly sweater fetishist astrologer in my local paper. He says 'You have issues this week, you work your way through the days with a furrowed brow and a glum face. A chance encounter with the colour red may leave you amazed. I hear the clicking of a high shoe on a tiled floor. Destiny sees a cracked mirror, fix it.' After reading it I cut my thumb on a half open can of baked beans. I think there could be some truth in the rotund soothsayer's words.

Rain or Shine

Difficult to gauge the weather at the moment so I am dressing for every eventuality, rain or shine I am determined not be caught out. This morning I went to work in a lightweight shirt, kagoule, three quarter length trousers and sandals. Glad I remembered my wellies as there was a light shower when I left the office at lunch time and there is nothing worse than wet socks with sandals. Feeling in the mood for music I stopped by Portland Hospital Radio on my way home from work to play a selection of weather related music, 'Rain or Shine' by Five Star, 'Its Raining Men' by the Weather Girls and Nik Kershaw's 'I Won't Let the Sun Go Down on Me'. I felt very pleased post show when a lady from the Urology Unit stopped by the studio to point out the last record wasn't strictly weather related, it was fantastic to receive feedback especially from someone of the opposite gender. Life is looking up!

Voting

Got absolutely drenched as I went to the polling station yesterday, so much so I left a puddle of water behind after casting my vote. I was worried the volume of water dripping off my 'stay dry' polythene mac would spoil my vote. I hope the rather well dressed lady who came in behind me didn't slip. Or worse still think I'd peed myself. Afterwards I made a sharp exit from the church hall only to come face to face with my local councillor who I voted against. I considered telling him but instead smiled, wished him 'good day' and went on my way. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Moobs

Despite my recent attempts at exercise I have been unable to shift any excess weight. My daughter has suggested I swap my creamy puddings for more healthy options such as yoghurt or fruit. So yesterday evening I had a can of tinned peaches in syrup with a light sprinking of sugar and a tub of single cream. Delicious! Still I am saddled with a bloggers bottom and a fine set of 'moobs'. I had never heard this term until I began my Stretch and Yoga Class. Whilst waiting to go into class last weekend I noticed my chest is more ample than some of the women's. I felt very self conscious and zipped up my fleecey jacket so they wouldn't notice. I was sweltering! After class I stripped down to my vest to walk home until a group of feral youths pointed out my size B's in a very forthright manner. The embarrassment makes me cringe now.

Beard

Shaved off my rather abundant beard this morning as my daughter said I looked like a hirsute potato. It took a brand new three pack of disposable razors and half a can of shaving foam to relieve my face of it's winter blanket. Thinking nothing of it I bundled my beard into the kitchen bin, complete with toe nail clippings and the remains of last night's fish supper. Some three hours later I was awoken from a mid afternoon nap to find Vera from the downstairs flat rapping on my door with gusto. She dragged me down to see her garden, a miniscule flower bed she has claimed as her own from the communal land which surrounds our block of flats. I sensed an air of unease as she cursed the sea gulls and unbolted the multitude of locks adorning her back door. And then it all became apparent as she pushed me outside, dustpan and brush in hand. It seems those wretched birds had tore open my bin bag, scattering fish bones and large tufts of my beard all over Vera's newly blossomed Hydrangeas. My heart fell as she looked on, I dropped to my knees and began clearing the mess. It took two hours to de-fuzz her flowers and clear up the rogue bits of toe nail nestled in her plants and she didn't once offer me a cup of tea! Next time I'll go to the barbers, at least I'll get a brew there.

Positive Energy

Received a rather unsettling card in the post. The front depicts a large bunch of tulips in a vase and inside it reads 'Friends are like flowers they brighten up your day', a nice sentiment although not wholly true. A majority of my friendships from the past ended in disaster. One good friend stole my wife and another took on the guise of an internet lover to fraudulently relieve me of my savings. He still hasn't been sentenced. The card was sent by Ray, you may remember him as the close friend who smashed up my flat in a drunken rampage. Since successfully completing rehab he is training for some sort of life coach qualification. These days I try to avoid him whenever possible as he spends the entire time dissecting his own life or furrowing his brow for answers about mine. What should be a light hearted chat over herb tea usually turns into a a two hour discussion on the 'barriers we build in life' or some other twaddle. Anyway the card is an invite to a seminar Ray is holding called 'Release Positive Energy into YOUR life', I am reluctant to attend but feel obliged as it's Ray's first seminar and I should support him. The card suggests I wear comfy clothes as we will be doing some 'light movement' and bring a ten pound donation. I am hoping Ray will waive the fee as he still owes me a few hundred pounds to replace my smashed furniture and light fittings he ripped from the wall. Somehow I think he won't.