Chips

So what did I do? I called and she wasn't in. I popped out to get a chippy tea and she had called back three times. In case you're not up to speed I'm talking about Pat, a lady I am yet to meet from the Personal Ads. Not about Meryl, my model 'girlfriend' of a month who has yet to furnish me with a cuddle. After a hearty fish supper, and a lengthy succession of burps, I picked up the receiver to dial Pat's number only to find her rather spookily on the end of the line. It seems I had inadvertently dialled her number and she stayed on the phone to listen to the rustling of chip papers, chomping of chips and my passing of gas. It didn't seem to phase her though as she enthusiastically launched herself into conversation like a puppy chasing a ball. And a leaden, overstuffed ball at that. As I adjusted my belt and trousers to a more loose fitting, for digestive purposes I might add, she rather brazenly asked me out. Feeling a little dazed I agreed. Now I am, in the words of Natalie Imbruglia, 'Torn'.

Pool of Silly Swims

Just got back from swimming. It was like the Pool of Silly Swims today, people swimming in all directions and doing some strange strokes at that. So I got out and got dry after two lengths. Plus I winded myself after attempting to dive. My bad day didn't stop there, the vending machine decided to keep my 60p and refused to dispense my post swim cup-a-soup. Then when I got outside it was bucketing it down with a twenty minute wait for the bus. With fitness in mind I walked home and slipped in what I hoped was a rotten banana but smelt distinctly like dog muck. So I arrived home wet and hungry. I nearly didn't notice the answer machine flashing a message. Thinking it was Meryl I rushed over and listened. It was another response from my Lonely Hearts Ad. After meeting Meryl I completely forgot to take the ad out of the paper. What am I to do? The new lady sounds lovely. But I'm seeing Meryl, we haven't kissed yet but its early days, well nearly a month into the relationship. Do I phone the new lady back? Would I be betraying Meryl? I'm going to ponder it over a slice of warm quiche and a cup of tea.

Belly flop

Got drenched today coming back from the pool. Yes folks I've been swimming two days on the trot. On day one I managed eight lengths before I felt exhausted and paddled around in the shallow end. When you're a child there's so much to do, even when you can't manage a length. I remember splashing my brother and chasing each other around. I was once told to leave after a succession of 'bombing' into the pool and ducking my brother's head under repeatedly. When we weren't barred we spent day after day of the holidays practising our dives into the deep end. I couldn't do those things now, well if I did waves of tsunami proportions would propel across the pool after I belly flopped in. So I won't. Well I might have one little practise dive tomorrow, for old time's sake.

Waiting List

After work yesterday I decided to head back to Bend and Snap, sorry Bend and Stretch, in the hope of shedding some pounds. I've been rather indulgent of late and I have the tummy to prove it. Plus there could be some bedroom gymnastics on the cards, what with me dating a model. No, Meryl and I haven't kissed yet but I am sensing a certain closeness as she brushed dandruff from my collar last week and has been leaning in so close I can smell what she's had for lunch. So I skipped along to the class to find I had been ousted. The hippy dippy teacher told me that post Christmas they'd had an influx of new attendees and there was now a waiting list in operation! I put my name down but as there are ten people in front of me it could be a long wait. My good friend, Windy Posh Boy Piers, has just returned from a promotional tour of Eastern Europe and is in the same predicament. He has suggested we try swimming. So tomorrow we're off to the pool. Wish me luck!

Honey

Returned to work today with some trepidation, experience has taught me that The Team need to be eased back into working life slowly after the holidays. It came as no surprise that I was met with glum faces and scowls as I tripped around the office humming 'Love is in the Air'. Some might say it was probably a little too much, it being a Tuesday morning and the first day back after the festivities but I thought it lifted the black cloud somewhat. Plus I am keen to get word out that I am no longer single but dating. And not dating any old heffer but a model at that. So I perservered with my happiness onslaught and even slipped in a slug of honey to each of their herbal teas, though it did little to sweeten their mood. They grumbled about New Year detoxes, something about being sugar and carb free and carried on bashing away at their keyboards as I skipped along to the stationary cupboard. Happy days!