Gym

At the moment my life is moving faster than a conveyor belt in a discount supermarket, no sooner have I gone to bed than it is time to get up. At least that is what it feels like, what with work, language classes and my thrice weekly workouts at the gym. That's right folks I'm feeling the burn once again, so long as I don't attend on the days when my ex is there things are alright. Last week I did have the misfortune of catching sight of her as I set off for a brisk walk on the treadmill. I did consider slamming on the emergency stop button and calling it a night but instead I decided to show her my new found fitness and ramped up the speed to a light jog. I thought she would lose interest and make her way to the thigh toner, which incidently she could well do to use, however she decided to stay rooted beside the machine and continually bad mouth me in front of my fellow sports lovers. I started to feel really cross as she belly laughed at my running style, so I did my best to get away, running faster and faster and faster...until I was going at top whack and there was no way of slowing down. I panicked, lost my footing and whizzed off, landing in a crumpled heap at her feet. I should have tied her shoelaces together there and then but I lay there like a fat man only can until a nice lady who teaches the over 50's aerobics helped me to my feet and saw my acid tongued ex away. Revenge will be mine another day.

Pincers

Awoke this morning to the sight of a long legged fiend bearing down on me. No readers it wasn't my latest date just a rather large spider who saw fit to dangle itself above my head. I yelped and jumped up, scaring the cat and waking my daughter. She burst in the room to find me cowering by the wardrobe. She, like me, suffers with arachnophobia. So we both set about finding the cat to set it upon the beast, which at this point had blindly made its way onto my pillow and was languishing there. It was huge, so big you could see it's brown spiky hair and what looked like pincers on it's head. That's right it was tooled up with pincers, this monster meant business. No web making or crazy skittering on this guy's mind. He was larger than a toddler's hand and ready to bite. At least that's what I thought to myself as we captured Evil Edna, our cat, and set her to work. With the spider in her sights Edna crept over the duvet, getting ready to pounce. Myself and my daughter watched from just outside the doorway and thank goodness we did. Just as Edna was about to seize her prey the spider charged forth. Edna yowled and ran from the room, a cat with the spooks. I shook my head and closed the door, my daughter's boyfriend will have to deal with our intruder this evening.

Yoga

I know it's only Tuesday but it's proving to be a stressful week already. As soon as I stepped into work yesterday I sensed a feeling of rising tension in the office. The reception area was packed, three of my team were off sick and a rather inebriated man fell asleep behind a pile of magazines only to wake up once he had defecated in his pants. He didn't know about it but we certainly did. The stench was overpowering, so much so I had to evacuate the office as I fumigated the place with a double whammy of Febreze and Mr Sheen. Luckily Mr Pooh-pants objected to my liberal application of scented aerosols and staggered out to the nearest discount off licence. Thankfully I had already booked this afternoon off as leave and trotted along to yoga. Now a class with my usual teacher is like sinking down into a bed of cotton wool as her honeyed tones wash over and relax every muscle in your body. Perfect, just what I needed, except it wasn't. When I arrived my usual teacher was off sick and there was a squabble in the store room over the last yoga mat. Then the lady covering the class stormed in, in a blaze of tie dye and patchouli bellowing at us to lie on our mats. Over the next sixty minutes she took us through a series of movements with the delivery of a drill instructor. To say I was shattered at the end would be an understatement. With nerves jaggling I headed home for a soothing cup of camomile tea only to find the cat had left a present on my pillow. Surely the week cannot get any worse.